Fellow Queens,

 

The way they eat you would think I hadn’t fed my Princes in months but its usually only 20 minutes between snarf fests.

 

Seriously, I don’t know what to do with them anymore. They have now moved on to eating all the ingredients for the meal I planned for dinner.

 

“What’s for dinner, Mom?” (Sometimes they even ask this at breakfast.)

 

“I thought I would use that little bit of steak in the fridge for fajitas.”

 

“I ate that for lunch.”

 

“Oh, well then I guess I could make some pizzas.”

 

“I ate all the mozzarella cheese for a snack.”

 

“Okay then, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches it is.”

I need to buy a cow, or maybe a steer to slaughter at a later date. 

Thank goodness we inherited Granddad’s old coffin freezer. I swear that if I am ever brutally murdered and dumped in it the boys won’t notice until they opened it up to look for corndogs.

Needless to say we shop at Sam’s Club. Going there with the boys takes more planning than a large-scale military operation. First, we get the flat bed and go directly to the bakery so I can bribe the useless 5 year old with a cookie that is bigger than his head. Then we scramble up and down the aisles as I bark out orders:

“Chips for lunches. There! No, not the Cheetos. Mommy will eat them all. Get BBQ chips. I hate those.”

“Juice boxes. There! No, not those. You know those are high-fructose corn syrup with a straw!”

“No, we do not need a five-pound tub of cookie dough. Yes, I am the mean Mommy. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“No, I’m not buying fourteen dollars’ worth of toilet paper so you can wrap Madeline’s house.”

“Quick, your brother is almost done with the cookie! Grab the Go-gurt and let’s go!”

 

Two hundred sixty-seven dollars later, we hustle home, unload the car and I realize that I am still missing some ingredients for dinner.

Reign On Queens! And send me a boy story!

Queen Linda