"After years of viewing the Olympic Games, I've decided there needs to be an event that moms dominate. I'm contacting the Olympic Committee to have them include The Pick up Pentathalon. This event is based on a typical weekday. Bonus points awarded for nursing mothers. No carpools allowed. Pregnant contestants are given a 30 minute head start and two nausea breaks. You will be disqualified if children arrive late to any appointment or are forgotten at an activity. First, the competing mommy must drop off child #1 at school. It is raining, the child must be kissed goodbye and wished a good day. The mommy must then proceed to drop off child #2 at daycare or preschool. Child cannot be dropped off at the door of the facility. The mommy and child must park and walk to the assigned classroom. Child #3 must be held on hip during this event. For those who do not have a third child, a 25 pound egg will be assigned for your use. Any cracks in the egg will be grounds for immediate disqualification. Once child #2 is safely ensconced in preschool, mommy must pick up dry cleaning, fill a prescription at the drugstore, and purchase a birthday present for upcoming birthday party. Errands completed, the contestant may pause to catch their breath, nurse the baby or stop by the local liquor store for fortification. She must then return to school to drop off the lunch box that the oldest child forgot. This event ends once the last child is picked up from school and is seated with seatbelt fastened. The mommy is awarded points for poise, remembering dry cleaning stub, checking with the pharmacist for medicine dosage and choosing a present that birthday child does not already have.

 The Clean the House and Completing the Laundry events have been suspended. Everyone knows those are impossible.”