Friday, October 23, 2009

Wanna Volunteer?

Fellow Queens!

Let’s talk about volunteering for your kid’s school.

I remember when my oldest was little that there were three women who ran the school. Really, they ruled over all things volunteer. They were amazing, a force to be reckoned with as they offered up their services for everything from coordinating the carnival to convincing parents to prepare dishes for the teacher appreciation breakfast. One year I signed up for that one and proudly presented my cheesy, sausage casserole creation only to be met by blank stares. Yep, I had brought a meat dish on a Friday during Lent. Catholic, remember? Where’s a hungry Baptist when you need one?

After a few years I said to one dynamo, “You know, if you keep up this pace you are going to be in a padded cell, sucking your thumb, screaming, “Don’t forget to sign up for a slot at the sports concession stand.” She laughed and said that she would be volunteering until her kids graduate. I hope she meant from high school.

I think that anyone who chairs the carnival or auction does it as part of a plea bargain. They should be excused from any other volunteering that may be needed. Maybe they need a 12 step program to just say no next time.

After forgetting, I mean unavoidably missing due to severe vomiting, work conflicts, the water heater exploding,the sun getting in my eyes, (yeah, that’s it!) I have decided to be a stealth volunteer due to my overwhelming guilt. Again, Catholic.

I keep an eye on when envelope stuffing, alphabetizing library books and T shirt sorting will happen and then I just show up. Linda to the rescue. I feel like Wonder Woman. “Thank God you’re here! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Cutting laminate is my favorite, it reminds me of therapy in the day room.

I never do cafeteria, If a snotty nosed kid asked me to heat up his Hot Pocket I would truly go over the edge.

However they don’t let me let me bring my own book for special guest reading time. I evidently push my feminist/pacifist agenda of onto the children. I did however sneak in The Paper Bag Princess

where the princess decides that the prince is a ‘bum’ and doesn’t have to marry him after he spews some patriarchal drivel to her. This is after she saves him from a dragon. What a moron.

I also read Rolan Dahl’s The Magic Finger

to impress upon their malleable minds that if hunters are going to shoot ducks then the ducks should have AKA assault rifles to even the playing field.

And just think, my kids will be done with high school in 2019.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

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