Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Obligatory 1st Day of School Photo

I sent Prince #3's photo to College Boy and this is what I got back

Monday, May 12, 2014

Queen Linda's Mother's Day Address

How many times have you received that e-mail “For Those of You Who Have Sons & Those of You Who Are Happy That You Don’t?” (Such an offensive title) Or the other e-mail titled “Why Boys Need Mothers?” 
If I see that picture of the red headed boy with the frog in his mouth one more time... 
Being the Queen of all moms of boys that I am, I have decided to stop the madness and create a gem that is based on fellow Queen's boy stories. 
So go forth, forward away and multiply the Queendom.
Reign On!
Queen Linda

Moms of boys know that their sons will:

Insist on wearing their super hero costume for weeks, never change socks and practice the sniff-and-wear approach to dressing.

Never know where their other shoe is.

Whip off their pull up, throw it to the ceiling and dance in a shower of diaper gel pellets.

Be able to tell which brother farted by the smell alone.

Wipe boogers on the wall, paint with poo during their artistic brown period and extend their budding magic marker tattoo talents to the dog.

Make your car insurance go sky high after “That curb came out of nowhere!”

Play a game consisting of setting mouse traps on a chair and then sitting on them.  Whoever remains the most stoic wins.

Light their farts not realizing they are in the beginning throws of puberty resulting in an unfortunate hair scorching incident. They will then wear their bathrobe to the ER.

Start phone calls with, “Hey Mom. I’m okay but...”

Peddle off the roof and into the swimming pool on their BMX bikes. 

Have a contest to see how accurate their aim is by peeing into a cereal box set up in the driveway.

Leave crayons, army men, trading cards, coins, bugs and the occasional snotty kleenex in their pockets so you can find them in the dryer lint trap.

Have phone calls with their friends using only monosyllables and grunts.

Lock their babysitter in the bathroom, duct tape their brother and then raid the pantry.

Poop in the display potty at Home Depot.

Decorate the kitchen floor with peanut butter, BBQ sauce and honey.

Cut their own hair with safety scissors.

Put playdoh in their diapers.

Pee anytime, anywhere; on the doctor in the delivery room, in front of church, on the baseball field, in the bathroom trash can, in potted plants...

Proclaim it loudly when they notice that someone has a big butt, is a dwarf or an amputee.

Never learn how to put clothes away, replace a roll of toilet paper or throw out empty boxes of snacks.

Text you when you’re in the same room.

Wad up lengths of toilet paper into a loose cannonball, place them in an upended hand dryer nozzle and hit the button.

Place beenie babies on the blades of the ceiling fan and then turn it on high.

Love you forever.
Text Copyright © 2008 by Linda Marie Ford

Monday, February 24, 2014

Yes, That Is What You Think It Is

A circular saw on my new couch and no one around to claim it.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

It is STING Pong, Not Ping Pong

The boys got a ping pong net for Christmas. It clamps on any table and viola! instant fun. Who knows when we will eat in the dining room again. 
Sting pong is played shirtless. For every point you win you get to hit the ball as hard as you can at your friend's chest, preferably with a running start. They all have ping pong ball sized welts on their chests. Posting pictures of battle wounds on Facebook is inevitable. 
I'm putting my foot down. They can't bring any girls over to play.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

4 Days Into the New Year and I Am So Proud!

Yesterday I received my latest copy of Texas Catholic and there on the front page is Prince #2. His beaming 17 year old face engaged in the giving of toys for little tots. But look closely. He is wearing a Christmas sweatshirt with sweet snowmen on the front. Sweet snowmen toasting with red solo cups. 
I just opened the mail and got a curious letter from the North Texas Tollway Authority. It appears that Prince #1 happened to run the toll. No need to contest it, there is the picture of his ancient Honda passing thru. But, again, look closely. Is he raising his left hand in a birdlike salute. Oh yes he is.
So proud.
Let's see if any incriminating pictures of the 12 year old show up tomorrow.
Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Prince #1 is 21!

Is it wrong to give your newly minted 21 year old a bottle of Jack and a breathalyzer? 
That's right folks, $19.99 at Bed Bath and Beyond.
Its in the Beyond part of the store.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Give Thanks for Thanksgiving

My 20 year old son posted a cartoon on Facebook this week. (Yes I am his friend, yes I made him friend me when he was in high school and yes I do realize that after he sees this he will unfriend me.)

The cartoon is by Randy Bish of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. In it a hysterical Thanksgiving turkey is yelling at Santa, “DECEMBER, Fat Boy! This month is for MY holiday! Now hop in that sleigh and WAIT your TURN!”

I couldn’t agree more.

I love Thanksgiving. There is nothing like gorging on tryptopham turkey and 500 calories -per-slice pecan pie with abandon. It is a time we can just slow our roll, hopefully take a day off and be grateful. 

Seems like a simple thing. Can’t we just do that for one full day before we catapult into the Christmas chaos? Every year my sons and I boycott whatever company broadcasts the first holiday commercial we see. So far the offenders have been DeBeers diamonds, Lexus and Carnival cruise line, no conflict yet. 

I know things are tough and sometimes we can lose sight of what we have. If you need a nudge, here are a few things.

Be thankful for the food you have. The number of people that the North Texas Food Bank serves every month would fill Cowboys Stadium 2.5 times. Think about that while you are sitting in your home theater booing the Raiders.

Give thanks for family, however crazy, and try to be with them. Traditions matter. Every year I have to hear the story about how I cooked a ham with the plastic wrapper still on it but who cares? 

If you have a job, good. If you get off for Thanksgiving, even better. This year “In response to interest from customers who prefer to start their shopping early” Macy’s joins Target, Kohls and Target by opening on 8pm Thanksgiving evening. Really? If you do go shopping be thankful for the workers who make that possible. Tell them. Plenty won’t. 

Woudn’t it be great if we give thanks 364 days of the year and spent one day at the mall? With online shopping it is possible and I think we would have our priorities straight.