Monday, September 26, 2011

Queen Linda's Address - LIL WAYNE’S WORLD

Prince #2, AKA the 15 year old, decided that he wanted to go to the Lil’ Wayne concert.
For those not in the know, Lil Wayne is a semi-mainstream rapper with enough tattoos to make any mom wonder if he has had a hepatitis test.

“Dearest Darling,” I say. “My experience is that rappers are a misogynistic group who don’t like cops but wail for their mommy and call the po po when their best bud caps him in the ass.”
“Yeah, mom, but,”
“Ha ha, you said butt,” I retorted in my best Bevis and Butthead voice. I did however consider his response as agreeing with me on my rapper perception.
“Everyone who really likes him is going to want seats right up close to him. My friends and I just want to get lawn seats way in the back.”
“Hmm. I don’t know.”
“Mom. The lawn is going to be full of us and a bunch of little rich kids who want to go gangsta for the night.”
“I’ll think it over.”

Note that it is important to ignore dicey requests until the boys repeat them enough times that you have to pay attention. You get to avoid most arguments in the ‘Jeez, all my friends are ...’ vein this way.

For fun I research Mr. Wayne’s tunes from his post-prison collection.
One song is entitled “Phone Home.” I get a good laugh at my own expense for thinking that this must be a homesick love letter to his mom.
I’m rare like Mr. Clean with hair
No brake lights on my car rear
I never had lice and I never had fear
Hell, with lyrics like that I am his target audience!
Some of my other top beats - Gonorrhea, I’m So Hood, and Respect My Conglomerate. Wow, conglomerate! 4 syllables. Impressive.

So finally, “Alright. You can go. But with my conditions. #1 I need the name and phone number of the moms of any guys involved in these festivities. #2 You will all be drug tested when you come home and #3 I will pick you up from the concert.”
It is always good to slip that drug test one in the middle of that. This way they don’t know if you are serious of not. Always keep them guessing.

He agrees to my mandate and goes off skipping and texting his merry way.

The next day he gets a lesson from me on how to avoid broker fees for tickets and go straight to the source. “Gee mom. These tickets would have been $84 bucks if I got them through StubHub. You got them for $45. Wow.” He says this awestruck, like he finally gets how brilliant I am.
Suck up.

I call the number he gives me for one mom and guess what? Its the dad’s number.
“They are going to a concert? Sure!! They are bringing girls along with them, right? They can hang out at my place after!”
I think I could have said that the boys were going on tour with Marilyn Manson accompanied by 30 year old roller derby queens with bad meth problems and he would have asked to come along. This is why I ask for the mom’s phone number. I get the correct phone number and add rule #4 Any sleepovers will be held at our house.”

After all is cleared, rules re-enforced and cell numbers collected Prince #2 and his band of merry men are dropped off to enjoy the musical stylings of Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.

After the ‘pick us up’ text I head out to get the boys. I find a huge traffic jam and am unable to turn into the venue at the first entrance. I drive along to the second and am struck with deja vu. What does this remind me of? I know! Its the carpool line at Prince #3’s elementary school. The far right lane is a row of SUV’s with their flashers on. J Jill clad moms tentatively exit their Escalades, Iphones at the ears, to search for their charges. I join them, standing on the running board of the VW, waving franticly at Prince #2 and his peeps. After hopping in the car, blaring the stereo to tunes they just heard live and the obligatory Taco Bell run we return home. The boys camp out in the TV room while I giggle upstairs listening to their re-telling of the concert until 2AM.

Looking back I am sure that Prince #2 will agree with Lil Wayne when he said that he loves his mom “More than money, more than fame, more than cars.”

Yo yo. Peace out. Word.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh.... but of COURSE he loves you more!