“Hi, my name is Linda. And I don’t have a smartphone.”

“Hi Linda!”

These words start my imaginary support meeting for those of us who exist outside the social network.

I don’t have a smartphone, I have a stupidphone.

It shouldn’t be surprising. Its not like I have ever been on the cutting edge of technology.

I thought HD was a rap singer. That gig had something to do with A&M. That megabites were what you took when eating a muffaletta. 

On Christmas morning of 2006 my sons rush into the bedroom to breathlessly tell me what Santa brought their cousins. 

“Mom, mom! Austin and Laura got Razrs!”

“Great! Put on your shoes and we will go race them down the street.”

“Razr phones, mom. Not Razor scooters.”

Oh.

Laugh all you want. That Motorola Razr flip phone is what I have now. When people see it its like a trip down memory lane. “Oh, look at that! I remember when I had that phone. My Grandma uses it now.” 

And no, I’m not going to call Barney Rubble with it, thank you very much.

I guess I could upgrade but I am intimidated by phone stores. So much so that my pre-nup states that I don’t have to accompany my husband to the Apple store. Ever. Or Home Depot for that matter.  But recently my curiosity got the best of me and I wandered into the land of blue-shirted Geniuses. IPads, IPods and Phones, oh my! Apple TV, Shuffling Nanos, Freddie Mac books. I fled, hyperventilating all the way to the food court.

My friend Sarah has one of those brand new IPhones that has a mystery woman named Siri talk back to you. I asked her, “Siri, why don’t I have a smart phone?” She answered, “I believe you have answered that Sarah.” 

Okay then.

“Siri, why doesn’t my friend Linda have a smart phone?”

“I found a Luddite meeting fairly close to you.”

Stan Lee says that “With great power comes great responsibility.” If anyone had held their index finger up to him, mouthing ‘just a minute’ as they continued with their phone call during lunch, he would have ammended that to “With great technology comes great rudeness.”

My stupidphone can’t surf the net, so when I’m with you I’m not finding out the Mavs score. 

My stupidphone can’t pull up email, so when I’m with you I’m not aware that I just won the Nigerian lottery. 

My stupidphone can’t use an earpiece, so when I am talking you know that I’m talking to you. 

Only to you. 

Not having a screen 5 inches from my face allows me to see the world going on around me. It also keeps me from getting bumped into, run over or worse. This low-tech  throwback asks you to please make an effort to connect with someone instead of at them. Instead of playing Words With Friends try having words with the friend in front of you.